I Used To Get Jealous

Be aware that this post may be shocking and controversial for some!

Everyone knows that muslims are allowed four wives. The idea behind this was not, contrary to popular belief, to endorse a man’s sexual pleasure in life but actually:

1. To restrict the number of wives a man can have!- in Arabia at that time, men would have up to ten or twelve wives!

2. To help lift the financial burden of a widow – especially to look after her children when she is not able to work

3. To legalise adultery so that the mistress is looked after financially, emotionally and mentally.

However, nowadays, respected scholars have ruled against it saying that one of the stipulations of this contract is that you treat them fairly and it’s very difficult to give ONE wife her financial, legal, emotional and marital rights and in this case, so how would be it for two or more?

Muslim wives around the world, who are not protected by the law of their country, can also actually stipulate in a pre-nuptial contract that they don’t want to be in polygamous marriage.  They have every right to do this.

British muslims have to go by the law of the land and (thankfully!) it is illegal in this country.  Now this may boggle your mind if you’ve never thought about it but even though polygamy and bigamy is illegal in this country adultery is not.  Therefore you actually have this situation where men are legally committing adultery but don’t have any obligation to look after their girlfriend or mistress via a marital contract.  This is why this ruling came into place.  Islam is so misunderstood.  These rulings were put into place to give women rights! Not to oppress them.  Anyone who is wondering about the equal rights of women in this regard, please read this question and answer.

Another important factor that comes to the fore here is sexual relationships within a marriage. A woman’s right to sexual intimacy is once in four days. Some might marvel at how specific that is but tell me, what man will turn to another woman if he’s being gratified sexually nearly twice a week (at least)? What man can keep up a porn addiction habit in these circumstances?  Maybe they can! I don’t know.  All I know is that this sexual activity is healthy for both men and women.

There was once a couple who went to see a local Imam, after having trouble in their marriage.  He took one look at the woman and concluded that the couple’s marriage was in great trouble. He looked at the man and said, ‘You’re not giving her her due, are you?’. The man, shocked, replied ‘How did you know?’.

Apparently it was obvious by her demeanour and the lack of lustre in her eyes. How my heart goes out to all those women out there who are not happy in their marriages. It is also well known that greater sexual activity within a marriage softens the man’s heart towards his wife.

I can only think of one marital situation where the problem didn’t stem from trouble in the bedroom.  The person I’m thinking about actually managed to prolong a destructive marriage because things were great in the bedroom.  How mad is that? It is a pivotal aspect of married life, as I expect you already know!!

Why am I bringing this up?

Because I used to get jealous of other women when we were out and about together. Women who had time to look after themselves and their bodies when I was so busy I barely had time to drag a comb through my hair in the daytime because I had young children.  This issue about Islam allowing four wives for men, used to be difficult for me.  It emphasised that there must be physiological difference in men and their desire for multiple relationships, as indeed there is.

According to scientific studies, the human mating system is considered to be moderately polygynous, based on both surveys of world populations, and on characteristics of human reproductive physiology.

As a muslim, I had to get my mind around this point in order to not let it affect my faith.

Now I’m happier in my own skin and eons more comfortable on our family days out.

When a woman has an eye on my husband whilst out, I feel better about myself. Even though she may deny it if asked.  (I don’t know about you but I think women have a built-in radar for these things!)

Ladies, to keep jealousy at bay- I urge you to look after yourselves.

Look in the mirror; are you happy with what you see?

To muslim women- Just because we cover our hair doesn’t mean we don’t maintain its beauty.

Historically Islamic countries had courtyards in which women would relax and chill without the dress code and we need to emulate that.  For some reason, some of us get into a rut of not taking care of our hair and just wrapping it up indoors too.  I am also guilty of this (and must say it’s very handy on bad hair days!). But we need to beautify it indoors for the sake of our own self care and self esteem.

Dye it if you want to and try to get it cut regularly, even if it’s a trim.

If you’re no good with hairstyles get it cut short so it’s easy to maintain or check out Youtube videos – style it, get your friend, daughter or niece to style it- don’t be lazy!

Remember it’s sunnah to be clean and look well kempt at all times.

Also, use facials and cleanse, tone and moisturise every night to keep your skin looking vibrant and healthy.  Try to prioritise sleep and exercise- you’ll find your skin will look rejuvenated and a side benefit will be a fabulous boost in your energy levels.

Once you’re happy within your own skin, there’ll be no jealousy.  You’ll just feel immense gratitude that the other woman can look all she wants but your husband is yours to take home!

If nothing else, dress up on weekly date night – you’ll feel amazing!

Some husbands ‘don’t mind’ either way! But ask yourselves, do you mind? Are you happy with yourself? Do something to create more confidence in yourself and you’ll show him a new you! This will naturally be more attractive and lead to a sexier you.

When thinking about the stipulated once in four nights for muslim women, remember that it’s the right of the woman! Other than that we are taught to be considerate to each other’s needs. Be kind.  Be caring. Empathise with your spouse.

Ladies, if you’ve been away all week and now you’re back but tired and your husband needs a little love, think about how you can gratify him.

Men, if your wife is tired and overworked, think about giving her a hand with her duties or if she works out of the house, how about a massage? Give her a bit of time and love and maybe you’ll see a huge difference.

So that’s it from me for now,

Until next time,

Peace and Love,

Sidra Ansari

PS To help me on my journey to enoughism I will write down 3 things I am grateful for at the end of each post. These are:

1. My husband.  For better or for worse. 🙂 In sickness and in health.  Till death do us part. Don’t you just love marriage vows?!

2. All you gorgeous women out there who help me up my game. Life would truly be boring without you. Haha.

3. Coffee! Loving Lavazza Prontissimo instant Coffee at the moment.  Make me a milky coffee and give me some writing instruments, a pen and notepad will do, and then leave me alone and you will rise high on my friends list.  Thank you to my mum and little sister for doing this for me the other day! Self care and Doing What You Love all in one! I enjoyed a Caramel Latte though that day.  Mmmm mmm my absolute favourite hot drink.

Since you’re here I have a small favour to ask. More people are reading the the7ofus.blog than ever but advertising revenues are non-existent. And unlike many lifestyle magazines, I haven’t put up a paywall – I want to keep my writing as open as I can. So you can see why I need to ask for your help. These posts take a lot of time and hard work to produce. It would be amazing if you could help fund me by donating a coffee a two to keep me going! Please press here to give.

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