Welcome to the most fascinating subject on relationships you will ever read. This information will give you the key to unlock the secret of giving and receiving love. You will discover how to speak in a love language the receiver will understand. You will realise that you’ve been given love in so many different languages and now you’ll be open to receiving with gratitude and wonder. Get ready to fill your Love Tank!
There are 5 love languages. The beauty of this concept is that once you’ve learnt what to look for, you’ll be able to transfer it to all the relationships in your life.
The book to read is Gary Chapman’s ‘The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts’.
He has named 5 Love Languages in his book and you can take this quiz to help you decide which ones best fit yours. That is not to say that people only speak only one language. It helps you find out the the most dominant language. You can usually tell what another person’s love language is if you’ve spent enough time with them.
So if you want to learn how to show someone you love them in the loudest possible way you can, please read on!
“If we learn to meet each other’s deep emotional need to feel loved, and choose to do it, the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we’ve ever felt.” —Gary Chapman
The idea behind these love languages is really profound and actually has the potential to change one’s whole relationship around. Chapman states there are 5 Love ‘Languages’. They are:
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
Now we will look at each in turn, the summary in bold has been taken from 5lovelanguages.com.
- Words of affirmations
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
A person who has an audio character-type will most likely see themselves in this description. This is my own love language. I love to hear positive words coming out of my friends’ and families’ mouths (thank you my dears, I hear your love!). Appreciation, loving, tender, thoughtful kind words mean the world to me. It’s no surprise that words are what help me out of sadness, despair or simple boredom. I read, write and say and hear these words and feel a hundred percent better.
2. Acts of service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
This is my husband’s language. His attitude about this is absolutely hilarious. He doesn’t ‘believe’ in categorising people or feelings in this way, so instead of learning my love language I’ve resorted to the fact that I will feel love, by translating his acts of service for me into love. For example, if I am busy with the baby straight after dinner, he will begin clearing up the dishes and my immediate reaction will be to say ‘Leave them, I’ll do it later.’ But I try to squash that thought and appreciate what he’s doing. Not only is he doing me a favour, he’s also showing me love. I need to tell him I hear him. So I say, ‘Aaaw thank you dear I love you too!’, he smiles. These words translate his act. I’m happy and he’s happy that I’ve received his love. If at any time I try to badger him to take the quiz or read the book he tells me that he does many things for me (Acts of Service) and I should know that he loves me. I complain ‘It’s not my Love Language though!’ and he says ‘Well I think you need to learn a new one!’ Sigh. However, I have noticed that whenever he wants to make a bigger effort to impress me, he’ll use my language, sometimes! So it is infiltrating into his system, it will just take time…(she says).
3. Receiving gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
I love the fact that knowing this made me realise why gifts are not as important to me as the other languages. Don’t get me wrong readers, and lovely gift-giving friends :-), I just mean that I will receive gifts graciously but always wonder why it isn’t always the first thing I think of to reciprocate my love. A shared coffee and conversation means more to me than giving a gift and now I can translate that to love for all my conversation-buddies in life.
4. Quality time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
This has actually come up tops for me when I took the quiz recently, along with words of affirmation. I guess it makes sense that to talk or even write to somebody you need to give them some time. If my lovely friends and relatives take some time out to spend it with me I feel the love, when I do the same I’m showing love. It also helped me understand why, it hurt so much when I was not able to spend time with certain people in my life. I find it difficult to maintain a relationship which we haven’t invested time in.
5. Physical touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
I’ve noticed that this is very dependent on how one has been brought up. If your parents were touchy-feely, you tend to be the same. You give and receive love in this way. If you weren’t, you don’t. You can spend the whole day with your spouse, for example, and feel the love even if you haven’t touched each other. It is typically a man who has this love language (for obvious reasons!). It’s interesting to note that once your spouse learns your love language, you’ll be more receptive to his- a win-win situation I’d say!
Like I said you can transfer all this knowledge onto all the relationships in your life. It will also help you better understand your children. Gary Chapman has also teamed up with Child Psychologist Ros Cambell to write ‘The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children’. And the final book in the series is ‘The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition: The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships’. Have a read and let me know what you think.
So, I’m going to love you and leave you now. You can translate all these words I’m giving to you as love I want to send out into the world! I hope this post will help you to improve the relationships in your life. Has it made a difference? Has it opened your mind to a new way of thinking? Do let me know what you think in the comments below.
Peace and Love,
Sidra Ansari ❤
PS To help me to my journey of Enoughism, I will write 3 things I am grateful for on each post. These are:
- I am now back on a (reduced) school run and am very grateful for the newfound independence I feel being back behind a wheel. It’s a funny thing but I noticed how much the kids needed quality time with mummy (ooh it’s my love language!) and they now appreciate me being there.
- Mr. Cuddles is now sitting up and able to play quite contentedly for a while now, (when he’s not teething!).
- I’ve discovered a new recipe which involves the oven, foil packets, is highly adaptable and requires minimal cleaning! Definitely something to be grateful for and share methinks! You can learn more here.